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This is an opportunity to challenge beliefs that you carry which may be your parents or those of some group. It's a chance to challenge your own free thought process. Those beliefs, both conscious and unconscious, shape our relationships. We often pick up these beliefs from our parents, some group, or the general culture, and never examine them. And often these beliefs warp our relationships and prevent us from owning our truth. This piece points out beliefs that hold us back from healthy relationships and fulfilling lives. For
Starters For
Starters
Men’s
Endangered Health In the 1920s, males and females lived to be roughly the same age. Today, females in the U.S. live 5.2 years longer than men, on average (HCHS, 4/06 for 2004). Male mortality is higher than female mortality in every age group. The average longevity for women is 80.4 for females and 75.2 for males. The disparity is even worse for men of color. Longevity is 66.1 years for Native American men, 67.6 years for African-American men, and 69.6 for Latino men. Men have higher death rates than women for each of the top 10 causes of death in the U.S. Men are 100% more likely to die of heart disease; 40% more likely to die of cancer (by age 75, 100% more likely to die of cancer). Men lead women in every category of cancer (e.g., lung, throat, mouth, urinary) except breast. Men are 450% more likely than women to die of HIV-related illnesses. Men are more likely than women to die of stroke, pulmonary disease, accidents, pneumonia, diabetes, and cirrhosis of the liver. An estimated 6 million men experience depression annually in the U.S. About 9% of men report depression at some point in their lives. Although men are half as likely as women to be diagnosed with depression, men’s rate of completed suicide is 400% higher than for women (although women are twice as likely to attempt a suicide). Men ages 20-24 are six times more likely than women that age to take their own lives. Suicide is 10 times higher among elderly males than females. Men are three times more likely to be the victim of a homicide. Homicide is the leading cause of death among African-American males ages 15-24. Black men have a 1 in 30 chance of dying of homicide, compared to 1 in 179 for white men, 1 in 132 for black women, and 1 in 495 for white women. Ninety-four times out of 100, a person killed on the job will be a man. Ninety-eight percent of all employees in the 10 most dangerous professions are men. Men die in auto accidents twice as often as women. They are three times more likely to die in an accident in which they are intoxicated. They drown four times as often as women – eight times as often in ages 14-34. Males account for 82% of spinal cord injuries. They are less likely than women to use safety belts, helmets, or sunscreen, and more likely to carry weapons, drive dangerously, and participate in dangerous activities and sports. About 80% of substance abuse addicts are men, and 9 out of 10 who are arrested for alcohol or substance abuse are men. An estimated two-thirds of all alcoholics are men and more than 8 in 10 of those who die from alcohol-related liver disease are men. Use of tobacco is strongly related to mortality rate, with the most common results of extended use being bronchitis, emphysema, asthma, and cancers of the respiratory system, mouth, and throat. Although the sex difference in smoking is shrinking (about 26% of men and 22% of women in the U.S.), men’s smoking habits continue to be more dangerous than women’s, including number of cigarettes smoked daily, inhaling deeply, and using high tar or nicotine products and non-filtered cigarettes. Smokeless tobacco, in addition, is used almost exclusively by males, with the average age of first use being age nine. Men are half as likely as women to see a doctor – they are less knowledgeable in general about health and symptoms of specific diseases, less responsive to health care information, and less likely to utilize the health care system. In one study, in a 15 minute conversation with a medical doctor, the average number of questions a woman asked her doctor was six, whereas men averaged near to zero questions. Men are more likely than women to have no medical insurance coverage. Many men take better care of their
car. And, there are things they can start doing now to help
them live a healthier life for their family, children, grand
children and community. Don't be the one to wait 'til it's
broke to start doing some preventative maintenance on your
life. In-Dependence Our human parents may be precious
loved ones or they may be strangers; the aim of our search
for self-knowledge is the power to parent ourselves. We need
steady nurturing all our lives, and no other person can
supply it. I've enjoyed walking on this journey with you
thus far. Here's to even greater independence for us all.
Yours in continued growth and independence. A Twisted View
of Hatred Chore Wars Our initial thinking is that it sounds like a good law - if it is applied (1) only to chores that one spouse wants done by the other, and (2) that that spouse pays the other spouse out of their personal income. The spouse contracted to do the chores should be required to provide all the equipment and supplies needed to perform the chores since that is what professional services offer. Other considerations: charge for room
and board, clothing allowance, vehicle rental and
maintenance, shared vacation expenses, etc. We could even
consider sex, depending on who wants it. (Gigolo's get paid,
too.) And, either spouse should also have the right to
contract outside the household for any such chores if there
are more economical or professional ways to perform them. We
can make marriage an economical contract yet (as if other
state laws haven't already. See laws (and consequences) you
should know before you get married in Divorce
& Custody.) In the
meantime, check out what Hagar
has to say about chores. Violence
is a Social Disease Magazines
Stink
I opened my post office box and was almost overcome by the smell coming from it. You see, it's the holidays and, between the magazine's advertising departments and the chemical, I'm sorry, the cologne manufacturers, they worked hard all year to bring you their December and sometimes their November issues filled with vial smelling scents. And, the combination is especially repulsive. Now I know there are some women out there who really like the smell of a chemical man. And, I know there are a lot of guys out there who shower less than they should. What I'm worried about is the rest of us possibly suffering from Second Hand Stench. It makes we want to drop my subscriptions and go back to the newsstand editions that I can sniff check before putting my money down. I wonder if OSHA has issued any
warnings to post office employees? If not, they
should. Special
Rights for Women Viagra news
coverage concerning discrimination in insurance
payments. 1. Covering tests for women for breast cancer and not covering tests for men for prostate cancer. FACT: Almost twice as many men are diagnosed with prostate cancer each year versus women diagnosed with breast cancer. In addition, virtually as many men die of prostate cancer as women who die of breast cancer, and there is no treatment for prostate cancer to date that improves a man’s life. 2. Covering tests for girls for breast cancer and not covering tests for boys for testicular cancer. FACT: 7,200 boys 15-34 will be diagnosed and 350 will die this year from the disease, much greater than girls/women in that age group dying of breast cancer. Also, a review of the disparage between the amount spent for research and awareness campaigns on the above should be of great interest. The National Cancer Institute estimates that they will spend $332.9 million on breast cancer research this year while spending $74.0 million on the study of prostate cancer and $0 on testicular cancer. Prostate cancer receives the least amount of funding per patient of all major cancers. Source: American Foundation for Urologic Disease. The National Cancer Institute also reported that during the period 1950-1991, women's rate of death from breast cancer increased 2% while men's rate of death from prostate cancer increased 25%. Until the last few years, you never heard anything about prostate cancer. Even today, it's not a high priority on health programs or the news. There's no postage stamp or brochures at the post office. (The second Breast Cancer postage stamp will soon be issued to raise awareness of breast cancer and to fund additional research.) There’s no special research or funding organizations for prostate cancer, no national prevention month, week or even day. This is not to say that everything that is being done to find a cure for breast cancer should not be done. However, where do men’s health issues fit in in your local news analysis and reporting? What about the fact that of the 15 leading causes of death, men lead in every single category. If you’re interested, I’ve
included some additional information on the subject which
can be verified with a simple call to The National Cancer
Institute regarding the facts on new diagnosis, death and
research spending. Calls to HMOs, health insurance carries,
etc. will verify the differences in coverage. A Different
Perspective on the Movie Sideways I can't believe that people actually think that, of the hundreds of guys Stephanie serves wine to every day, Jack is the first guy she has flirted with and taken to bed. Seemed like she had her game on pretty good from the start. And, to believe someone was going to marry her after a few nights in the sack - come on. Stephanie is a violent woman and if she had testicles, she'd be in prison right now. But, because a man did something emotional to her, the women in the audience gave their approval - as did many reviewers without making any reference to her totally out-of-control behavior. Fifteen years ago men said that it's something the woman said or did that made them violent. Today, the tables have turned so that it's totally acceptable to crush a man's scull, or perform premeditated murder as the Dixie Chicks sing in "Goodbye Earl" (to the roars of approval from the women in their live concerts) a song they got a Grammy for. The fact that the Domestic Violence movement hasn't spoken out against either act speaks volumns. If you are part of the solution... A second aspect I haven't seen mentioned in any review regards the wife of the trucker, a scam that is not unheard of and one where the date rape drug is now being used to incapacitate the man so it makes him easier to rob and then dump along the way. A pretty clean crime since few men, caught in an uncompromising situation, dare tell the police. Sideways has it's weaknesses. Both
sexes acted dispicably. And, that's pretty real. While we
might wish we were more honest and sincere with each other,
as many of the relationship books teach us, it's a game and
most people still play it. A visit to any watering hole
on a Friday or Saturday night will confirm that.
Unfortunately for many couples, reality never kicks in after
marriage and the games continue. I'll stop playing the game.
Will you? "Roseann"
Supports Women's Violence against Men and Children I Wish I Knew Now
What I Knew Then "Friends"
Supports Adult Female Teachers Seducing Their High School
Students A World Without
Passion Will Die Another
'Smiling Man' Bites the Dust A friend who helped me through a bout with suicide during my divorce committed suicide 8 years later without my knowing that anything was wrong. Another 'Smiling Man' who had done a lot of personal work, threatened to kill his former girlfriend and after a six-hour standoff with police, killed himself. Another 'Smiling Man' was in a personal growth workshop with his adolescent son. He had done a lot of work and was in a men's group. Several weeks after the workshop, he killed himself. All of these men were white-collar professionals. All saying "I'm fine." As some think, that could be interpreted as Furious, Isolated, Numb and Empty. It's not really important to know what
went wrong. What is important is to learn how we men can
learn to open-up and ask for help well before these kinds of
times come, instead of taking our own lives. Do you have at
least one man in your life you will go to with the tough
stuff? Or are you a 'Smiling Man'? Do you know
any men who are going through some real tough times? Or are
all your male friends 'Smiling Men'? Look hard. Listen hard.
Be sure your friends know you are willing to listen. Make
sure you've got atleast one man to spill it all to. And
spill it all. There's nothing wrong with a smile - unless
it's hiding something you're too embarrassed to talk about.
Real men ask for help. So, don't be one of those "Smiling
Men" who will die of embarrassment! Don't let a friend be
one either. (See Suicide
for more information on the issue and books
on suicide.) How
do you know when "Yes" means "Yes"? According to the group, Coalition Against Sexual Assault, if we think you're guilty, you're guilty. This small group of the self appointed "politically correct" activist students and teachers from CASSIA (which stands for "home" in Spanish - not a very safe one if you disagree with them) obviously aren't interested in the truth. Because they believe that they hold the moral position and they shout down anyone who disagrees with them. And, in this segment, when that didn't work, they pulled the cord on 20/20s recording equipment. Their music teachers agrees. He claims the background to state that this student is a leper to this college campus. Does this seem familiar? Some in this group say that anyone accused doesn't deserve the benefit of the doubt Brings back images of Salem, doesn't it?. It's obvious that the Brown University campus has a dictatorship of the politically correct. The "victim" who would speak at rallies, didn't want her name used and it wasn't used in public, on television or in the campus newspaper. The same rights weren't afford the male involved. But, this isn't unusual nor the first time the Brown University campus has been a hot bed of political tourney. In the future, they'll probably blame it on the water. How can we ever expect to bring up our girls to take responsibility for their lives when we make sure that they know that they don't have to be. Nothing is their fault. What they do when they're drunk, or depressed, or on PMI or break up with their boyfriend, whatever they do they cannot be held responsible for. What a far cry from the many cultures who bring up their daughters as responsible adults by 13, who start and maintain healthy families at 13. Who, at 13, raise their children to become responsible adults. But, at Brown University, 21 year olds aren't responsible and so blame others for their actions. And, get away with it. The result is that men must really be aware if you're in any kind of a relationship with a woman - whether lover or spouse - No means No and only yes means yes and then only if she hasn't had anything to drink. And, even when sober, be sure she's on top. It's much more difficult to be falsely accused of rape, that way. Has political correctness gone too
far? Six year old boys are being trained not to try to kiss
a girl. Nine year old brothers are taught not to poke their
older sister in the butt or they'll be classified a sexual
deviate. Connect this with a recent survey that showed that
35% of men 18-35 never plan to marry. With this trend
growing, it's going to be interesting if the next generation
of boys will have anything to do with women, romantically.
But, I guess that's what sperms banks are for. Fox TV
Continues to Promote Domestic Violence "If breast cancer targeted men
rather than women, emphasis on research leading to a
potential cure would have taken on an added sense of
urgency." This statement, often used in comments and articles, just doesn’t reflect the truth, according to the National Cancer Institute's information as of the close of their fiscal year, 8/31/97. Yes, 1997. Fact: 1996/7 new cases: breast cancer - 180,200, prostate cancer - 334,500. Fact: 1996/7 deaths - breast cancer - 43,900 women and 290 men; prostate cancer - 41,800. (Percentage wise, as many men die of prostate cancer as women who die of breast cancer.) Fact: Both are the # 1 cancer killers of nonsmokers Fact: From 1950-1991, women’s rate of death from breast cancer - +2%; men’s from prostate cancer - +25%. Fact: 1996/7 research spending: breast cancer - $332.9 million, prostate cancer - $74.0 million. (American Cancer Society estimates they will spend $12,547,500 on breast cancer research, $5,576,000 on prostate cancer and $875,000 on testicular cancer in 1997.) Fact: Of the 15 major causes of death,
men lead in every category, but no one talks much about
it. Health plans often include free breast screening and testing for girls and women. If a man wants to be tested, he has to push the issue and pay full price. Schools have programs to teach girls how to examine themselves. A woman 15-35 dying of breast cancer is extremely rare. In this same age group, 7,200 men will be diagnosed and 350 will die this year of testicular cancer but nothing is being done to teach them how to check themselves to protect against this disease. The American Cancer Society is the only organization that I could find doing testicular cancer research. They estimate that they will spend $875,000 this year on the subject. Would you want to lose your son just because schools, health services and the media don't think it's that important? This is not to say that everything
that is being done to find a cure for breast cancer should
not be done. However, until men think it's important to live
a healthy life, it is doubtful that much more will be done
about it. And, it's our responsibility to do something about
it, not someone else's. For those interested in more info on
prostate cancer see: www.menstuff.org/issues/byissue/healthprostate.html Homophobia "Men have
five fewer years to enjoy life versus women. That's good
news." "How long do you want to
live? How much are you prepared to invest in your
health and mental well-being? This negotiation
calls upon our inner resources and usually prompts a new
willingness to devise stratagems for eluding death and
illness." New Passages. What are you going to do
in the next year to insure that your mind, body and spirit
will be healthy so that you can join us and celebrate the
year 2040? That's not that far away. Sideways I can't believe that people actually think that, of the hundreds of guys Stephanie serves wine to every day, Jack is the first guy she has flirted with and taken to bed. Seemed like she had her game on pretty good from the start. And, to believe someone was going to marry her after a few nights in the sack - come on. Stephanie is a violent woman and if she had testicles, she'd be in prison right now. But, because a man did something emotional to her, the women in the audience gave their approval - as did many reviewers without making any reference to her totally out-of-control behavior. Fifteen years ago men said that it's something the woman said or did that made them violent. Today, the tables have turned so that it's totally acceptable to crush a man's scull, or perform premeditated murder as the Dixie Chicks sing in "Goodbye Earl" (to the roars of approval from the women in their live concerts) a song they got a Grammy for. The fact that the Domestic Violence movement hasn't spoken out against either act speaks volumns. If you are part of the solution... A second aspect I haven't seen mentioned in any review regards the wife of the trucker, a scam that is not unheard of and one where the date rape drug is now being used to incapacitate the man so it makes him easier to rob and then dump along the way. A pretty clean crime since few men, caught in an uncompromising situation, dare tell the police. Sideways has it's weaknesses. Both
sexes acted dispicably. And, that's pretty real. While we
might wish we were more honest and sincere with each other,
as many of the relationship books teach us, it's a game and
most people still play it. A visit to any watering hole
on a Friday or Saturday night will confirm that.
Unfortunately for many couples, reality never kicks in after
marriage and the games continue. I stopped playing the game.
Will you? What's
Happening to Men's Work?
The Mask of
Masculinity It's Not
Time for Relationship Work Men Make
the Best Fathers When
Daughters Come Second We, as fathers, inherently posses the ability to nurture as well as teach the value of setting and enforcing appropriate boundaries and limits. We need to model how to give and receive affection and tenderness as well as the proper use of strength and power. We must openly show our inherent vulnerability and sensitivity. When we accept the role of primary disciplinarian and boundary setter, we must also take the responsibility to lovingly prepare our daughters to venture out from the protected realm of the home - to deal with the outside world and its conflicts. We must seize the opportunity to teach decision making, balanced with objectivity and responsibly along with the ability to work with authority. If we are not there for her in a committed and responsible way, encouraging the development of her mental, physical and spiritual sides in all of its uniqueness, it will, most likely, have a drastic affect on the way she sees men and sees herself as a woman in the world. (See Fathers & Daughters.)
For the first time in history, women
are taking on "nontraditional" roles previously the
exclusive territory and responsibility of men. Because of
this, there is a need to start developing a unique
rite-of-passage only a father can give his daughter. One
that acknowledges and supports these major social shifts. In
doing this, we can actually start developing completely new
models for positive ways fathers can be with their
daughters, as much as their sons, especially during the
difficult teen years. See also Daughter's
Rites. No Name-Calling
Week - January 21-25, 2008 School yard bullying is far more serious than just name-calling and teasing. It can escalate into harassment, beatings and even death threats. In a two-thousand five survey of more than 3,400 teenagers and more than 1,000 teachers, 65% of middle school and junior high students said they had been assaulted or harassed in the previous year. Bullying shouldn't be dismissed as a harmless school yard rite of passage, according to a report that found bullies and their victims often develop behavioral and emotional problems later in life. So, what's a bully? Someone who, either alone or with the help of others, uses actions or words to hurt another person. Simply put, bullies and gossips are obnoxious, even if they are: cool, humorous, well-dressed, attractive, or athletic. Bullying prevention can work and have lasting results by addressing the cause of bullying, insure that new bullies are not created out of a need for self-defense. Can you say Columbine? And before that happens, help bullies become good citizens. So, what can I do, you ask, to stop the bullying?
It all starts with you. Educators and partners can now exchange stories and activities about No Name-Calling Week in their school. Just go to www.nonamecallingweek.org and click on "forum" in the toolbar. The week seeks to focus national
attention on the problem of name-calling in schools and to
provide students and educators with the tools and
inspiration to launch an on-going dialogue about ways to
eliminate name-calling in their communities. A resource
guide with lesson plans, a video for classroom use and other
promotional materials will be available for educators to
assist in facilitating the week’s activities. Although
the project is targeted at grades five through eight –
years when the problem of name-calling is particularly acute
– the concept can be easily adapted by students and
educators at other grades. Want ideas of things you can do?
There's 10 pages worth of ideas at www.nonamecallingweek.org/binary-data/NoNameCalling_ATTACHMENTS/file/37-1.pdf Ritual
Abuse of Boys
As in Sports So
in Life Men are
from Mars, Women are from Venus, but we have to live on
Earth The thing that really got me was this whole "chores" mindset. From households with children kept super neat and clean, down to how important it was for one woman to have the inside of the trash cans washed out. Seems like it should have concentrated more on the obsessive-compulsive behavior of cleanliness as much as getting men to help around the house. Where does this obsession come from? Our mothers and grandmothers? Gotta keep busy? Our fathers and grandfathers - want my castle spic-and-span when I get home? Something's wrong here. I think it has more to do with "appearance - what will the neighbors think" than anything else. But, maybe my experience is unusual. I know many couples with children where the home looks actually lived in, not like a gallery. It's not dirty. It's just not tidy. And, many women I have dated would have a very neat place when they knew I was coming over. Yet, if I dropped by unannounced, the place was in chaos. Clothes on the floor, things scattered everywhere. This is usually the stereotype for men, but I wonder if it's not just the way "people" are and that the obsession with "every thing has its place, and it must stay in that place" hasn't gotten a bit out-of-hand? Another big reaction from most of the women was men watching sports. We really get a bad rap on this one. My sense is, most of us don't realize how much television women watch, because so much of their viewing is while we are at work. Furthermore, they won't admit how many hours of television they actually do watch every day. The viewing is soap operas (fantasy land), talk-shows (whine time), and game shows (atleast there may be a little socially redeeming value in learning something here). While I haven't looked at the Nielsen ratings for a while, if compared, I doubt that women watch any less television than men, and the content can't be much different. It's escapism on both sides. And finally, family violence. Of the six women, one admits blowing up, throwing plates, etc. at her husband. Another, we observe, screaming and shaming her husband when he's late coming home from work for his birthday party. He's with the children trying to eat his cake and she's pacing like a tigress waiting to pounce. When their daughter accidentally knocks something over because she's excitedly carrying around a present for her father, her mother screams at her. The daughter cowers and we hear her say "Why is mommy always screaming?" The excuse for women's violence is often, if you had to be with children all day, you would too." There is no excuse for that kind of verbal violence. Whether it comes from a mother or a father. She needs help and it's not up to her husband to change his behavior. It's up to her. I know women and men are different. I think our differences and our similarities must be explored. However, starting with the image that men are from the planet of war and women are from the planet of love (but don't have any arms) just reinforces the belief that only women are inherent nurturers and men are inherently violent- neither of which are true. Both sexes are inherently nurturers. Both sexes are inherently loving, caring human beings. I would love to see us be able to work together without playing games or manipulating each other because we know what makes each other tick. Cut the game playing. Cut the phony acknowledgment and recognition. Let's get real with each other, for a change. As one advertisement put it, "Men are from Earth. Women are from Earth. End of story." Differences challenge assumptions. - Anne Wilson Schaef
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