|
Whom
do You want Your Children to Learn about
Sex From? How
to Talk to Your Kids About
Anything Talk
to Your Parents about
Sex Resources: Whom
do You want Your Children to Learn about
Sex From? (1) You . . Your
Significant Other . . School . . Church . . Internet . . Friends . . Potential
lover . . Community
clinic/Planned
Parenthood . . Home
for Unwed Mothers . . Juvenile
Hall . . Talking
With Kids About Tough Issues Special Focus
on Dads The
Most Important Thing You Can Do For Your
Children Is To Be Their Dad The
Kaiser Family Foundation and Children Now
conducted a national survey of 10 to 15
year olds and parents of 10 to 15 year
olds in the fall of 1998 to find out
whether kids and parents were talking
about tough issues like violence, sex,
alcohol/drugs and HIV/AIDS. Below are some
of the survey findings regarding
dads. How
Strong Are Dads' Influence, and Are Kids
Comfortable Talking to Dad about Tough
Issues? According
to parents, fathers have a strong
influence on how their kids think about
these issues, albeit slightly less than
the influence of mothers. Kids say dads
are a good, credible source of information
on difficult issues. A majority of kids
ages 10 to 15 feel that their father has a
good understanding of issues such as AIDS,
violence, sex and alcohol, and rank their
mothers' understanding just slightly
higher than their fathers. While
kids ages 10 to 15 say they are generally
more able to talk to mom than dad when
something is bothering them, many report
they are equally comfortable talking with
either parent about certain tough issues.
Over a third say they are equally
comfortable talking to mom or dad about
AIDS, alcohol and drugs, and about how to
handle violent situations. Regarding the
issue of violence, many kids prefer to
talk to their dads. On
the topic of sex, more kids 10-15 prefer
to talk to mom than dad. However, it is
interesting to note that boys answer
differently than girls on this issue.
Regarding sex-related topics, boys are
fairly evenly divided among those who are
most comfortable with mom, dad or either
parents, while girls are much less
comfortable talking with dad about these
issues. Do
Dads Talk with Their Kids about Tough
Issues? Fathers
today are talking with their kids about
some tough issues but are avoiding others;
also, they still lag behind mom in dealing
with most of these issues. Most fathers
(eight in ten) report talking with their
kids about a range of tough issues,
including the basics about drugs, alcohol
and violence. However, only about half of
dads are talking to their kids about the
basics of reproduction and less than half
are talking about AIDS, relationships,
when to become sexually active and how to
prevent pregnancy and STDs. Furthermore,
topics like what to do if someone brings a
gun to school, how to handle peer pressure
to use drugs or alcohol, and what AIDS is
and how its spread are only being
discussed by 1 in 5 dads. So there is a
lot of room for dads to make themselves
open to more topics and start talking
about them with their kids. The
good news is that dads who are having
conversations are proactively initiating
them, rather than waiting for their kids
to come to them first. If kids sense their
parents are apprehensive about discussing
certain topics, they will be less likely
to speak openly and honestly. Parents who
initiate tough conversations themselves
show they aren't shy and are willing to
talk frankly with their kids. When
Dads Do Talk, Kids Listen and
Learn Kids
are glad to hear from their parents. Among
those who have had conversations with dad,
either alone or with their other parent, 9
out of 10 reported having a positive
experience. They felt they received good
ideas and that the conversations were
helpful overall. Even during talks about
sex, where kids said dad was less
comfortable having the conversation, kids
still thought talking was
helpful. Talk
Opportunities With
daughters, dads should look to
everyday talk opportunities, rather than
wait for an incident at home or in the
community, to prompt a conversation. Open
communication about tough issues like
violence, drugs and alcohol can help
create an environment in which their
daughter feels more comfortable talking
with them, even about sex. And, if she
isn't comfortable talking with dad about
sex in particular, the conversations will
likely increase her comfort with going to
dad when faced with other tough
issues. With
sons, dads need to take advantage of
the fact their sons are comfortable
talking with them about all issues,
including sex. Taking advantage of
everyday talk opportunities like car
rides, a TV show or a homework assignment
will create time to delve beyond the
basics into the issues on which their sons
wish to learn more. As
you can see, kids definitely want more
information from their parents! What
Kids Want to Know, What Parents Don't Talk
About Percent
of Kids and Parents Who Say... Kids Ages
10-12 Want More
Info About Topic Parents of 10-12 Yr. Olds
Who Never Talked About How
to handle potentially violent
situations 50% 15% How
to know when you are ready to
have sex How
to handle peer pressure to use
drugs/alcohol How
to protect against
AIDS/STDs What
to do if someone brings a gun to
school How
to prevent pregnancy and
STDs What
STDs are How
to handle pressure to have
sex How
alcohol/drugs might affect
decisions to have sex What
AIDS is What
kinds of birth control are
available Homosexuality How
girls get pregnant Drinking
and driving Kids
Still Need to Know More How
to handle potentially violent
situations 44% 16% How
to know when you are ready to
have sex How
to handle peer pressure to use
drugs/alcohol How
to protect against
AIDS/STDs What
to do if someone brings a gun to
school How
to prevent pregnancy and
STDs What
STDs are How
to handle pressure to have
sex How
alcohol/drugs might affect
decisions to have sex What
AIDS is What
kinds of birth control are
available Homosexuality How
girls get pregnant Drinking
and driving Source:
Kaiser Family Foundation/Children Now
Talking With Kids About Tough Issues, A
National Survey of Parents and Kids
conducted September 15-October 3,
1998 10
Ways to be a Better Dad: Ten Things Every
Father Needs to Know ... And Do! How
a father spends his time tells his
children what's important to him. If you
always seem too busy for your children,
they will feel neglected no matter what
you say. Treasuring children often means
sacrificing other things, but it is
essential to spend time with your
children. Kids grow up so quickly. Missed
opportunities are lost forever. Earn
The Right To Be Heard All
too often the only time a father speaks to
his children is when they have done
something wrong. That's why so many
children cringe when their mother says,
"Your father wants to talk with you."
Begin talking with your kids when they are
very young so that difficult subjects will
be easier to handle as they get older.
Take time and listen to their ideas and
problems. Discipline
With Love All
children need guidance and discipline, not
as punishment, but to set reasonable
limits. Remind your children of the
consequences of their actions and provide
meaningful rewards for desirable behavior.
Fathers who discipline in a calm and fair
manner show love for their
children. Be
a Role Model Fathers
are role models to their kids, whether
they realize it or not. A girl who spends
time with a loving father grows up knowing
she deserves to be treated with respect by
boys, and what to look for in a husband.
Fathers can teach sons what is important
in life by demonstrating honesty, humility
and responsibility. Be
a Teacher Too
many fathers think teaching is something
others do. But a father who teaches his
children about right and wrong, and
encourages them to do their best, will see
his children make good choices. Involved
fathers use everyday examples to help
their children learn the basic lessons of
life. Eat
Together as a Family Sharing
a meal together (breakfast, lunch or
dinner) can be an important part of
healthy family life. In addition to
providing some structure in a busy day, it
gives kids the chance to talk about what
they are doing and want to do. It is also
a good time for fathers to listen and give
advice. Most importantly, it is a time for
families to be together each
day. Read
to Your Children In a
world where television often dominates the
lives of children, it is important that
fathers make the effort to read to their
children. Children learn best by doing and
reading, as well as seeing and hearing.
Begin reading to your children when they
are very young. When they are older,
encourage them to read on their own.
Instilling your children with a love for
reading is one of the best ways to ensure
they will have a lifetime of personal and
career growth. Show
Affection Children
need the security that comes from knowing
they are wanted, accepted and loved by
their family. Parents, especially fathers,
need to feel both comfortable and willing
to hug their children. Showing affection
every day is the best way to let your
children know that you love
them. Respect
Your Children's Mother One
of the best things a father can do for his
children is to respect their mother. If
you are married, keep your marriage strong
and vital. If you're not married, it is
still important to respect and support the
mother of your children. A father and
mother who respect each other, and let
their children know it, provide a secure
environment for them. When children see
their parents respecting each other, they
are more likely to feel that they are also
accepted and respected. Realize
That A Father's Job Is Never
Done Even
after children are grown and ready to
leave home, they will still look to their
fathers for wisdom and advice. Whether
it's continued schooling, a new job or a
wedding, fathers continue to play an
essential part in the lives of their
children as they grow and, perhaps, marry
and build their own
families. What
It Takes to be a Dad You
get the
idea... The
Positive Effects of Father Involvement:
Playing an active role in your childrens'
lives is more important than you ever
could have imagined "A
study using a nationally representative
sample of 1, 600 10-13 year olds found
that children who shared important ideas
with their fathers and who perceived the
amount of time they spent with their
fathers as excellent had fewer behavior
problems. . .than their peers who did not
share important ideas or view the amount
of time they spent with their fathers as
excellent." Source:
Williams, Malcolm V. "Reconceptualizing
Father Involvement." Masters Thesis
Georgetown University, 1997. ". .
.for girls, studies link a sense of
competence in daughters-especially in
mathematics and a sense of femininity-to a
close, warm relationship between father
and daughter."
Source:
Ranin, N. and G. Russell. "Increased
Father Participation and Child Development
Outcomes." Fatherhood and Family Policy.
Eds. M.E. Lamb and A. Sagi. Hillside
Lawrence Eribaum, 1983: 191-218.
"A
study of parent-infant attachment found
that fathers who were affectionate, spent
time with their children, and overall had
a positive attitude were more likely to
have securely attached infants."
Source:
Cox, M.J. et al. "Prediction of
Infant-Father and Infant-Mother
Attachment." Developmental Psychology 28
(1992): 474-483. "In
a study of 75 toddlers it was found that.
. .children whose fathers spent a lot of
time with them and who were sensitive to
their needs were found to be better
adapted than their peers whose fathers
were not as involved and were less
sensitive." Source:
Esterbrooks, M. Ann and Wendy A. Goldberg.
"Toddler Development in the Family: Impact
of Father Involvement and Parenting
Characteristics." Child Development 55
(1984): 740-752. The
Absence of Quality Time: "Preschool
children watch an average of twenty-eight
hours of television per week; teenagers
watch an average of 21 hours of television
per week. By contrast, teenagers spend
only 35 minutes per week talking with
their fathers."
Source:
Bennett, William J. The Index of Leading
Cultural Indicators: Facts and Figures on
the State of American Society. New York:
Simon and Schuster, 1994. 102-103.
"Almost
20 percent of sixth through twelve graders
have not had a good conversation lasting
for at least 10 minutes with at least one
of their parents in more than a month."
Source:
Peter L. Benson, The Troubled Journey: A
Portrait of 6th-12th Grade Youth
(Minneapolis: Search Institute, 1993): 84.
"In
a study using 1,250 fathers of school aged
children, it was found that fathers eat
only half of their breakfasts and dinners
together with their children."
Source:
Cooksey, Elizabeth C. and Michelle M.
Fondell. "Spending Time with His Kids:
Effects of Family Structure on Fathers'
and Children's Lives." Journal of Marriage
and the Family 58 (August 1996):
693-707. How
to Talk to Your Kids About Anything Introduction Raising
a child is probably the most gratifying
job any of us will ever have -- and one of
the toughest. In large part, that's
because times have changed. We live in an
increasingly complex world that challenges
us everyday with a wide range of
disturbing issues that are difficult for
children to understand and for adults to
explain. We
believe this booklet can help. It offers
practical, concrete tips and techniques
for talking easily and openly with young
children ages 8 to 12 about some very
tough issues: sex, HIV/AIDS, violence,
drugs and alcohol. Some
parents and caregivers may question the
appropriateness of talking about such
sensitive topics with young children.
Maybe you're one of them. But consider
this: our kids are already hearing about
these issues from TV, movies, magazines
and school friends. If we don't talk with
them early and often -- and answer their
questions -- they'll get their facts from
someone else. And we'll have missed an
important opportunity to offer our
children information that's not only
accurate, but also in sync with our own
personal values and moral
principles. Make
sense? We think so. So let's get
started. 1.
Start Early Kids
are hearing about and forced to cope with
tough issues at increasingly early ages,
often before they are ready to understand
all aspects of these complicated ideas.
Additionally, medical research and public
health data tells us that when young
children want information, advice and
guidance, they turn to their parents
first. Once they reach the teenage years,
they tend to depend more on friends, the
media and other outsiders for their
information. As a parent, you have a
wonderful opportunity to talk with your
child about these issues first, before
anyone else can confuse your child with
incorrect information or explanations that
lack the sense of values you want to
instill. We need to take advantage of this
"window of opportunity" with young
children and talk with them earlier and
more often, particularly about tough
issues like sex, HIV/AIDS, violence,
alcohol and drugs. 2.
Initiate Conversations With Your
Child While
we want our children to feel comfortable
enough to come to us with any questions
and concerns -- and thus give us the
opportunity to begin conversations -- this
doesn't always occur. That's why it's
perfectly okay -- at times even necessary
-- to begin the discussions ourselves. TV
and other media are great tools for this.
Say, for instance, that you and your
12-year-old are watching TV together and
the program's plot includes a teenage
pregnancy. After the show is over, ask
your child what she thought of the
program. Did she agree with how the
teenagers behaved? Just one or two
questions could help start a valuable
discussion that comes from everyday
circumstances and events. Also,
when speaking with your child, be sure to
use words she can understand. Trying to
explain AIDS to a 6-year-old with words
like "transmission" and "transfusion" may
not be as helpful as using simpler
language. The best technique: use simple,
short words and straightforward
explanations. If
you have more than one child -- and your
kids are widely spaced -- try to speak
with them separately, even about the same
subject. The reason? Children of varied
ages are usually at different
developmental levels, which means that
they need different information, have
different sensitivities and require a
different vocabulary. What's more, older
children will often dominate the
discussion, which may prevent the younger
ones from speaking up. 3.
...Even about Sex and
Relationships If
you feel uncomfortable talking about such
sensitive subjects -- particularly sex and
relationships -- with your young child,
you're not alone. Many parents feel
awkward and uneasy, especially if they are
anxious about the subject. But, for your
kid's sake, try to overcome your
nervousness and bring up the issue with
your child. After all, our children are
hearing about it both through the media
and on the playground, and that
information may not include the values
that we want our kids to have. 4.
Create an Open Environment Young
children want their parents to discuss
difficult subjects with them. However, our
kids will look to us for answers only if
they feel we will be open to their
questions. It's up to us to create the
kind of atmosphere in which our children
can ask any questions -- on any subject --
freely and without fear of
consequence. How
do you create such an atmosphere? By being
encouraging, supportive and positive. For
example, if your child asks, "How many
people have AIDS?" try not to answer with,
"I don't know. Please just finish your
lunch." No matter how busy you are respond
with something like, "That's an
interesting question, but I'm not sure.
Let's go look it up." (FYI: Don't worry
that if your children learn that you don't
know everything, they won't look up to
you. That's simply not true. Kids accept,
"I don't know," and "let's go find out,"
and they are better responses than any
inaccurate or misleading answers you may
be tempted to offer.) One
more point: You don't need to answer all
of your children's questions immediately.
If your 10-year-old asks, "Mom, what's a
condom?" while you're negotiating a tricky
turn in rush-hour traffic, it's perfectly
okay for you to say something like,
"That's an important question. But with
all this traffic, I can't explain right
now. Let's talk later, after dinner." And
make sure you do. 5.
Communicate your values As a
parent, you have a wonderful opportunity
to be the first person to talk with your
child about tough issues like drugs and
violence before anyone else can confuse
him with "just-the-facts" explanations
that lack the sense of values and moral
principles you want to instill. Likewise,
when talking with your child about sex,
remember to talk about more than "the
birds and the bees," and communicate your
values. Remember: research shows that
children want and need moral guidance from
their moms and dads, so don't hesitate to
make your beliefs clear. 6.
Listen to Your Child How
many times do we listen to our children
while folding clothes, preparing for the
next day's meeting, or pushing a shopping
cart through the supermarket? While that's
understandable, it's important to find
time to give kids our undivided attention.
Listening carefully to our children builds
self-esteem by letting our youngsters know
that they're important to us and can lead
to valuable discussions about a wide
variety of sensitive issues. Listening
carefully also helps us better understand
what our children really want to know as
well as what they already understand. And
it keeps us from talking above our
youngsters' heads and confusing them even
further. For example, suppose your child
asks you what crack is. Before you answer,
ask him what he thinks it is. If he says,
"I think it's something you eat that makes
you act funny," then you have a sense of
his level of understanding and can adjust
your explanations to fit. Listening
to our children and taking their feelings
into account also helps us understand when
they've had enough. Suppose you're
answering your 9-year-old's questions
about AIDS. If, after a while, he says, "I
want to go out and play," stop the talk
and reintroduce the subject at another
time. 7.
Be Honest Whatever
your children's age, they deserve honest
answers and explanations. It's what
strengthens our children's ability to
trust. Also, when we don't provide a
straightforward answer, kids make up their
own fantasy explanations, which can be
more frightening than any real, honest
response we can offer. While
we may not want or need to share all the
details of a particular situation or issue
with our child, try not to leave any big
gaps either. When we do, children tend to
fill in the blanks themselves, which can
generate a good deal of confusion and
concern. 8.
Be Patient Often
it can feel like forever before a
youngster gets his story out. As adults,
we're tempted to finish the child's
sentence for him, filling in words and
phrases in an effort to hear the point
sooner. Try to resist this impulse. By
listening patiently, we allow our children
to think at their own pace and we are
letting them know that they are worthy of
our time. 9.
Use Everyday Opportunities to
Talk It's
important to try to talk with your kids
about tough issues often, but there isn't
always time in the day to sit down for a
long talk. Also, kids tend to resist
formal discussions about today's toughest
issues, often categorizing them as just
another lecture from mom and dad. But if
we use "talk opportunities," moments that
arise in everyday life, as occasions for
discussion, our children will be a lot
less likely to tune us out. For instance,
a newspaper item about a child expelled
from school for carrying a gun to class
can help you start a discussion on guns
and violence. A public service TV
commercial can give you an opportunity to
talk about AIDS. 10.
Talk About it Again. And
Again. Since
most young children can only take in small
bits of information at any one time, they
won't learn all they need to know about a
particular topic from a single discussion.
That's why it's important to let a little
time pass, then ask the child to tell you
what she remembers about your
conversation. This will help you correct
any misconceptions and fill in missing
facts. Finally,
in an effort to absorb all they want to
know, children often ask questions again
and again over time -- which can test any
parent's nerves. But such repetition is
perfectly normal, so be prepared and
tolerant. Don't be afraid to initiate
discussions repeatedly, either. Patience
and persistence will serve you and your
child well. Talking
With Kids About Alcohol and Drugs We
need to help our kids to distinguish fact
from fiction. And it's not too soon to
begin. National studies show that the
average age when a child first tries
alcohol is 11; for marijuana, it's 12. And
many kids start becoming curious about
these substances even sooner. So let's get
started! 1.
Listen carefully Student
surveys reveal that when parents listen to
their children's feelings and concerns,
their kids feel comfortable talking with
them and are more likely to stay
drug-free. 2.
Role play how to say "no" Role
play ways in which your child can refuse
to go along with his friends without
becoming a social outcast. Try something
like this, "Let's play a game. Suppose you
and your friends are at Andy's house after
school and they find some beer in the
refrigerator and ask you to join them in
drinking it. The rule in our family is
that children are not allowed to drink
alcohol. So what could you
say?" If
your child comes up with a good response,
praise him. If he doesn't, offer a few
suggestions like, "No, thanks. Let's play
with Sony PlayStation instead," or "No
thanks. I don't drink beer. I need to keep
in shape for basketball." 3.
Encourage choice Allow
your child plenty of opportunity to become
a confident decision-maker. An 8-year-old
is capable of deciding if she wants to
invite lots of friends to her birthday
party or just a close pal or two. A
12-year-old can choose whether she wants
to go out for chorus or join the school
band. As your child becomes more skilled
at making all kinds of good choices, both
you and she will feel more secure in her
ability to make the right decision
concerning alcohol and drugs if and when
the time arrives. 4.
Provide age-appropriate
information Make
sure the information that you offer fits
the child's age and stage. When your 6 or
7-year-old is brushing his teeth, you can
say, "There are lots of things we do to
keep our bodies healthy, like brushing our
teeth. But there are also things we
shouldn't do because they hurt our bodies,
like smoking or taking medicines when we
are not sick." If
you are watching TV with your 8 year-old
and marijuana is mentioned on a program,
you can say, "Do you know what marijuana
is? It's a bad drug that can hurt your
body." If your child has more questions,
answer them. If not, let it go. Short,
simple comments said and repeated often
enough will get the message
across. You
can offer your older child the same
message, but add more drug-specific
information. For example, you might
explain to your 12-year-old what marijuana
and crack look like, their street names
and how they can affect his
body. 5.
Establish a clear family position on
drugs It's
okay to say, "We don't allow any drug use
and children in this family are not
allowed to drink alcohol. The only time
that you can take any drugs is when the
doctor or Mom or Dad gives you medicine
when you're sick. We made this rule
because we love you very much and we know
that drugs can hurt your body and make you
very sick; some may even kill you. Do you
have any questions?" 6.
Be a good example Children
will do what you do much more readily than
what you say. So try not to reach for a
beer the minute you come home after a
tough day; it sends the message that
drinking is the best way to unwind. Offer
dinner guests nonalcoholic drinks in
addition to wine and spirits. And take
care not to pop pills, even
over-the-counter remedies,
indiscriminately. Your behavior needs to
reflect your beliefs. 7.
Discuss what makes a good
friend Since
peer pressure is so important when it
comes to kids' involvement with drugs and
alcohol, it makes good sense to talk with
your children about what makes a good
friend. To an 8-year-old you might say, "A
good friend is someone who enjoys the same
games and activities that you do and who
is fun to be around." 11 to 12-year-olds
can understand that a friend is someone
who shares their values and experiences,
respects their decisions and listens to
their feelings. Once you've gotten these
concepts across, your children will
understand that "friends" who pressure
them to drink or smoke pot aren't friends
at all. Additionally, encouraging skills
like sharing and cooperation -- and strong
involvement in fun, healthful activities
(such as team sports or scouting) -- will
help your children make and maintain good
friendships as they mature and increase
the chance that they'll remain
drug-free. 8.
Build self-esteem Kids
who feel good about themselves are much
less likely than other kids to turn to
illegal substances to get high. As
parents, we can do many things to enhance
our children's self-image. Here are some
pointers: 9.
Offer lots of praise for any job well
done. If
you need to criticize your child, talk
about the action, not the person. If your
son gets a math problem wrong, it's better
to say, "I think you added wrong. Let's
try again." Assign
do-able chores. A 6-year-old can bring her
plate over to the sink after dinner; a
12-year-old can feed and walk the dog
after school. Performing such duties and
being praised for them helps your child
feel good about himself. Spend
one-on-one time with your youngster.
Setting aside at least 15 uninterrupted
minutes per child per day to talk, play a
game, or take a walk together, lets her
know you care. Say,
"I love you." Nothing will make your child
feel better. 10.
Repeat the message Information
and lessons about drugs are important
enough to repeat frequently. So be sure to
answer your children's questions as often
as they ask them to initiate conversation
whenever the opportunity
arises. 11.
If you suspect a problem, seek
help While
kids under age 12 rarely develop a
substance problem, it can -- and does --
happen. If your child becomes withdrawn,
loses weight, starts doing poorly in
school, turns extremely moody, has glassy
eyes -- or if the drugs in your medicine
cabinet seem to be disappearing too
quickly -- talk with your child and reach
out to any one of the organizations listed
here. You'll be helping your youngster to
a healthier, happier future. Questions
& Answers Why
do people take bad or illegal
drugs? There
are lots of reasons. Maybe they don't know
how dangerous they are. Or maybe they feel
bad about themselves or don't know how to
handle their problems. Or maybe they don't
have parents they can talk to. Why do you
think they do it? Why
are some drugs good and some drugs bad for
you? When
you get sick, the drugs the doctor gives
you will help you get better. But if you
take these drugs when you're healthy, they
can make you sick. Also, there are some
drugs, like marijuana or crack, that are
never good for you. To be safe, never ever
take any drugs unless Mom, Dad or the
doctor says it's okay. Talking
With Kids About HIV and AIDS 1.
Initiate discussion Use
a "talk opportunity" to introduce the
subject of AIDS to your child. For
example, try tying a discussion into
something your child sees or hears, such
as a commercial about AIDS. After you and
your child watch the ad, say something
like, "Have you heard about AIDS before?
Well, what do you think AIDS is?" This
way, you can figure out what she already
understands and work from
there. 2.
Present the facts Offer
honest, accurate information that's
appropriate to a child's age and
development. To an 8-year-old you might
say, "AIDS is a disease that makes people
very sick. It's caused by a virus, called
HIV, which is a tiny germ." An older child
can absorb more detailed information:
"Your body is made up of billions of
cells. Some of these cells, called
T-cells, help your body stay healthy by
fighting off disease. But if you get a
virus called HIV, that virus kills the T-
cells. Over time, the body can't fight
disease any more and that person has
AIDS." Preteens should also understand how
condoms could help protect people from
getting AIDS and that the disease can be
transmitted between persons who share drug
needles. (If you have already explained
sexual intercourse to your children, you
might add, "During sexual intercourse, the
semen from the man's body goes into the
woman's body. That semen can carry HIV."
If you have not yet talked about sex,
don't bring it up during initial
discussions about AIDS. It's not a good
idea for your child's first information
about sex to be associated with such a
serious disease.) 3.
Set them straight Children's
misconceptions about AIDS can be pretty
scary, so it's important to correct them
as soon as possible. Suppose your
8-year-old comes home from school one day,
tearful because she fell down on the
playground, scraped her knee and started
bleeding -- and the other kids told her
she would get AIDS. As a parent, you might
explain, "No, you don't have AIDS. You're
fine. You can't get AIDS from scraping
your knee. The way you can get AIDS is
when the fluids from your body mix with
those of someone who has AIDS. Do you
understand?" After such a discussion, it's
also wise to check back with your child
and see what she remembers. Understanding
AIDS, particularly for young children,
takes more than a single
conversation. 4.
Foster self-esteem Praising
our children frequently, setting realistic
goals and keeping up with their interests
are an effective way to build self-esteem.
And that's important, because when kids
feel good about themselves, they are much
more likely to withstand peer pressure to
have sex before they are ready, or to not
do drugs. In short, they are less likely
to engage in behavior that could put them
at risk for AIDS. 5.
Put Your Child's Safety
First Some
adults mistakenly believe that AIDS is
only a disease of homosexuals. Whatever
your beliefs, try not to let your opinions
or feelings prevent you from giving your
child the facts about AIDS and its
transmission -- it's information that's
essential to their health and
safety. 6.
Be prepared to discuss
death When
talking with your kids about AIDS,
questions about death may come up. So get
ready to answer them by reading books (see
Readings for Children and Parents)
available at libraries or bookstores. In
the meantime, here are three helpful
tips: Explain
death in simple terms. Explain that when
someone dies, they don't breathe, or eat,
or feel hungry or cold, and you won't see
them again. Although very young children
won't be able to understand such finality,
that's okay. Just be patient and repeat
the message whenever
appropriate. Never
explain death in terms of sleep. It may
make your child worry that if he falls
asleep, he'll never wake up. Offer
reassurance. If appropriate, tell your
child that you are not going to die from
AIDS and that he won't either. Stress that
while AIDS is serious, it is
preventable. Questions
& Answers What
is AIDS? AIDS
is a very serious disease that is caused
by a tiny germ called a virus. When you
are healthy, your body can fight off
diseases, like Superman fighting the bad
guys. Even if you do get sick, your body
can fight the germs and make you well
again. But when you have AIDS, your body
cannot protect you. That's why people with
AIDS get very sick. How
do you get AIDS? You
can get AIDS when the fluids from your
body mix with those of someone who has
AIDS. You can't catch it like the flu and
you can't get it just by touching or being
near someone with AIDS, so you and I don't
have to worry about getting it. (NOTE: If
you have already talked with your child
about sex, you should also add, "You can
also get AIDS by having unprotected sexual
intercourse with someone who has the HIV
virus.") Can
kids get AIDS? Very
few children get AIDS. But if they were
born to a mother who had AIDS, they could
get AIDS when they were born. A long time
ago, some kids who had hemophilia -- a
disease that means their blood doesn't
have enough good cells, so they need to
get blood from other people -- got AIDS
when they got blood. But that doesn't
happen anymore. AIDS is mostly a disease
of grownups. (NOTE: If your child already
knows about the link between sex and AIDS,
and IV drug use and AIDS, you might also
add, "Sometimes teenagers who have
unprotected sex (including oral sex) or
who share drug needles get AIDS." But you
should still emphasize that "AIDS is
mostly a disease of
grown-ups.") How
can you tell from looking at someone if
they have AIDS? You
can't. Anyone, regardless of what they
look like, can have AIDS. People find out
if they have AIDS after being tested by a
doctor. Therefore, the only way to know if
someone has AIDS is to ask him if he has
been tested and if the test results were
positive for HIV/AIDS. Do
all gay people get AIDS? No.
Homosexuals get AIDS the same way that
heterosexuals do. And they can protect
themselves the same way, too. Sex
and Relationships 1.
Explore your own attitudes Studies
show that kids who feel they can talk with
their parents about sex -- because their
moms and dads speak openly and listen
carefully to them -- are less likely to
engage in high-risk behavior as teens than
kids who do not feel they can talk with
their parents about the subject. So
explore your feelings about sex. If you
are very uncomfortable with the subject,
read some books (see Readings for Parents)
and discuss your feelings with a trusted
friend, relative, physician, or clergy
member. The more you examine the subject,
the more confident you'll feel discussing
it. Even
if you can't quite overcome your
discomfort, don't worry about admitting it
to your kids. It's okay to say something
like, "You know, I'm uncomfortable talking
about sex because my parents never talked
with me about it. But I want us to be able
to talk about anything -- including sex --
so please come to me if you have any
questions. And if I don't know the answer,
I'll find out." 2.
Start early Teaching
your children about sex demands a gentle,
continuous flow of information that should
begin as early as possible -- for
instance, when teaching your toddler where
his nose and toes are, include "this is
your penis" or "this is your vagina" in
your talks. As your child grows, you can
continue her education by adding more
materials gradually until she understands
the subject well. 3.
Take the initiative If
your child hasn't started asking questions
about sex, look for a good opportunity to
bring it up. Say, for instance, the mother
of an 8-year-old's best friend is
pregnant. You can say, "Did you notice
that David's mommy's tummy is getting
bigger? That's because she's going to have
a baby and she's carrying it inside her.
Do you know how the baby got inside her?"
then let the conversation move from
there. 4.
Talk about more than the "Birds and the
Bees" While
our children need to know the biological
facts about sex, they also need to
understand that sexual relationships
involve caring, concern and
responsibility. By discussing the
emotional aspect of a sexual relationship
with your child, she will be better
informed to make decisions later on and to
resist peer pressure. If your child is a
Preven, you need to include some message
about the responsibilities and
consequences of sexual activity.
Conversations with 11 and 12-year-olds,
for example, should include talks about
unwanted pregnancy and how they can
protect themselves. One
aspect that many parents overlook when
discussing sex with their child is dating.
As opposed to movies, where two people
meet and later end up in bed together, in
real life there is time to get to know
each other -- time to hold hands, go
bowling, see a movie, or just talk.
Children need to know that this is an
important part of a caring
relationship. 5.
Give accurate, age-appropriate
information Talk
about sex in a way that fits the age and
stage of your child. If your 8-year-old
asks why boys and girls change so much
physically as they grow, you can say
something like, "The body has special
chemicals called hormones that tell it
whether to become a boy or a girl. A boy
has a penis and testicles, and when he
grows older his voice gets lower and he
gets more hair on his body. A girl has a
vulva and vagina, and when she gets older
she grows breasts and her hips grow
rounder." 6.
Anticipate the next stage of
development Children
can get frightened and confused by the
sudden changes their bodies begin to go
through as they reach puberty. To help
stop any anxiety, talk with your kids not
only about their current stage of
development but about the next stage, too.
An 8-year-old girl is old enough to learn
about menstruation, just as a boy that age
is ready to learn how his body will
change. 7.
Communicate your values It's
our responsibility to let our children
know our values about sex. Although they
may not adopt these values as they mature,
at least they'll be aware of them as they
struggle to figure out how they feel and
want to behave. 8.
Talk with your child of the opposite
sex Some
parents feel uncomfortable talking with
their child about topics like sex if the
youngster is of the opposite gender. While
that's certainly understandable, don't let
it become an excuse to close off
conversation. If you're a single mother of
a son, for example, you can turn to books
to help guide you or ask your doctor for
some advice on how to bring up the topic
with your child. You could also recruit an
uncle or other close male friend or
relative to discuss the subject with your
child, provided there is already good,
open communication between them. If there
are two parents in the household, it might
feel less awkward to have the dad talk
with the boy and the mom with the girl.
That's not a hard and fast rule, though.
If you're comfortable talking with either
sons or daughters, go right ahead. Just
make sure that gender differences don't
make subjects like sex taboo. 9.
Relax Don't
worry about knowing all the answers to
your children's questions; what you know
is a lot less important than how you
respond. If you can convey the message
that no subject, including sex, is
forbidden in your home, you'll be doing
just fine. Questions
& Answers What's
safe sex? If
two people have sexual intercourse or oral
sex and one of them has HIV or another
sexually transmitted disease, they could
give it to their partner(s). Doctors
believe that if the man wears a latex
condom whenever he has intercourse, it
helps to protect him and his partner from
giving each other HIV. That's why people
call sexual intercourse or oral sex with a
latex condom "safer sex." Is
it true that you can't get pregnant the
first time that you have
sex? No.
You can get pregnant anytime you have
sexual intercourse. Wearing a latex
condom, taking birth control pills, or
using other contraceptives are very
effective at preventing pregnancy.
However, the only absolute way to not get
pregnant is to not have sex at all. You
might also use this question as an
opportunity to point out that not having
sexual intercourse is a good idea for
teens. Help them understand there are
other ways to show affection. Talking
With Kids About Violence Raising
a child is one of the most gratifying jobs
you'll ever have and one of the toughest.
Try as you might to be the best parent you
can, our complex world challenges you
every day with disturbing issues that are
difficult for children to understand and
for parents to explain. But explain we
must, or we miss a critical opportunity.
Research shows that children, especially
those between the ages of 8 and 12, want
their parents to talk with them about
today's toughest issues, including
violence. Even when they reach
adolescence, they want to have a caring
adult in their lives to talk about these
issues. In fact, those who have early
conversations are more likely to continue
turning to their parents as they become
teens. Violence
in today's world in the media, in our
neighborhoods and even in our schools can
make our children feel frightened, unsafe
and insecure. Kids are hearing about and
often must cope with tough issues such as
violence at increasingly earlier ages,
often before they are ready to understand
all the aspects of complicated situations.
Yet, there is hope. Parents and other
caring adults have a unique opportunity to
talk with their children about these
issues first, before everyone else
does. Even
in such complex times, parents have the
ability to raise healthy, confident,
secure children who know how to resolve
conflicts peacefully and make smart
decisions to protect themselves. Parents
should talk with their children to help
them learn correct information and to
impart the values they want to instill.
Parents should also be a consistent,
reliable, knowledgeable source of
information. Here are some tips on getting
started. Develop
open communication It
is important that you talk with your kids
openly and honestly. Use encouragement,
support and positive reinforcement so your
kids know that they can ask any
question-on any topic-freely and without
fear of consequence. Provide
straightforward answers; otherwise, your
child may make up her own explanations
that can he more frightening than any
honest response you could offer. If you
don't know the answer, admit it-then find
the correct information and explore it
together. Use everyday opportunities to
talk as occasions for discussion. Some of
the best talks you'll have with your child
will take place when you least expect
them. And remember that it often takes
more than a single talk for children to
grasp all they need to know. So talk, talk
and talk again. Encourage
them to talk it out. Children
feel better when they talk about their
feelings. It lifts the burden of having to
face their fears alone and offers an
emotional release. If you sense that a
violent event (whether real or fictional)
has upset your youngster, you might say
something like, "That TV program we saw
seemed pretty scary to me. What did you
think about it?" and see where the
conversation leads. If your child appears
constantly depressed, angry or feels
persecuted, it is especially important to
reassure him that you love him and
encourage him to talk about his concerns.
And if he has been violent or a victim of
violence, it is critical to give him a
safe place to express his
feelings. Monitor
the Media Over
the years, many experts have concluded
that viewing a lot of violence in the
media can be risky for children. Studies
have shown that watching too much
violence-whether on TV, in the movies, or
in video games-can increase the chance
that children will be desensitized to
violence, or even act more aggressively
themselves. Pay special attention to the
kinds of media your children play with or
watch. Parental advisories for music,
movies, TV, video and computer games can
help you choose age-appropriate media for
your children. Try watching TV or playing
video games with your children and talk
with them about the things you see
together. Encourage your children to think
about what they are watching, listening to
or playing-how would they handle
situations differently? Let them know why
violent movies or games disturb you. For
example, you might tell your
nine-year-old, "Violence just isn't funny
to me. In real life people who get shot
have families and children, and it's sad
when something bad happens to them."
Watching the news and other media with
your child enables you to discuss current
events like war and other conflicts, and
can provide an opportunity to reinforce
the consequences of violence. Parents
and other caring adults can help tone down
the effects of these violent
messages. Here's
how: •Actively
supervise your child's exposure to all
forms of media violence: television,
videos, etc. •Limit
TV viewing to those programs you feel are
appropriate. •Be
selective about which movies your child
sees and which video and computer game
they play. •Establish
rules about the Internet by going on-line
together to choose sites that are
appropriate and fun for your
child. •Consider
using monitoring tools for TV and the
Internet, like the v-chip, a new
technology that allows parents to block TV
programs they consider
inappropriate. •Take
advantage of the ratings system that
provides parents with information about
the content of a TV program or
movie. Acknowledge
your children's fears and reassure them of
their safety Children
who experience or witness violence, as
well as those who have only seen violent
acts on TV or in the movies, often become
anxious and fearful. That's why it's
important to reassure a child that their
personal world can remain safe. Try saying
something like this to your 7 or
8-year-old: "I know that you are afraid. I
will do my very best to make sure you are
safe." The recent school tragedies in
Colorado and in Georgia have shown that
violence can not only frighten children
but can make them feel guilty for not
preventing it. By providing consistent
support and an accepting environment, you
can help reduce children's anxieties and
fears. Take
a stand Parents
need to be clear and consistent about the
values they want to instill. Don't cave in
to your children's assertion that
"everybody else does it (or has seen it)"
when it comes to allowing them to play
what you view as an excessively violent
game or to watch an inappropriate movie.
You have a right and responsibility to
say, "I don't like the message that game
sends. I know that you play that game at
your friend's house, but I don't want it
played in our house." Control
your own behavior When
it comes to learning how to behave,
children often follow their parents' lead,
which is why it is important to examine
how you approach conflict. Do you use
violence to settle arguments? When you're
angry, do you yell or use physical force?
If you want your child to avoid violence,
model the right behavior for
her. Set
limits regarding children's actions
towards others Let
your child know that teasing can become
bullying and roughhousing can get out of
control. If you see your child strike
another, impose a "time out" in order for
him to calm down, then ask him to explain
why he hit the child. Tell him firmly that
hitting is not allowed and help him figure
out a peaceful way to settle the
problem. Hold
family meetings Regularly
scheduled family meetings can provide
children-and us- with an acceptable place
to talk about complaints and share
opinions. Just be sure that everyone gets
a chance to speak. Use these meetings to
demonstrate effective problem-solving and
negotiation skills. Keep the meetings
lively, but well controlled, so children
learn that conflicts can be settled
creatively and without
violence. Convey
strict rules about weapons Teach
your child that real guns and knives are
very dangerous and that they can hurt and
kill people. You might say, "I know in the
cartoons you watch and the video and
computer games you play, the characters
are always shooting each other. They never
get hurt; they just pop up again later
like nothing ever happened. But in real
life, someone who gets shot will be
seriously hurt; sometimes they even
die." Talk
about gangs and cliques Gangs
and cliques are often a result of young
people looking for support and belonging.
However, they can become dangerous when
acceptance depends upon negative or
antisocial behavior. If you believe your
child might be exposed or attracted to a
gang, talk about it together. Look for an
opportunity-say you see an ad for a movie
that makes gang life seem glamorous-and
say, "You know, sometimes it seems like
joining a gang might be cool. But it's
not. Kids in gangs get hurt. Some even get
killed because they try to solve their
problems through violence. Really smart
kids choose friends who are fun to be with
and won't put them in any danger." Many
communities have programs that help
prevent gang violence. Talk
with other parents Help
give your kids a consistent anti-violence
message by speaking with the parents of
your kids' friends about what your
children can and cannot view or play in
your homes. Ask other parents if there's a
gun in their home. If there is, talk with
them to make sure they've taken the
necessary safety measures. Having this
kind of conversation may seem
uncomfortable, but keep in mind that
nearly 40 percent of accidental handgun
shootings of children under 16 occur in
the homes of friends and
relatives. Pay
particular attention to
boys Most
boys love action. But action need not
become violence. Parents must distinguish
between the two and help their boys do so
as well. Allow them safe and healthy
outlets for their natural energy. And
recognize that talking-especially about
violence-is different for boys than for
girls. Boys may feel ashamed to express
their real feelings about violence.
Instead of sitting down for a " talk,"
initiate the topic while the two of you
are engaged in an activity he enjoys.
Provide privacy for these conversations.
And be ready to listen when he's ready to
talk, even if the timing isn't ideal.
(Pollack, Real Boys, 1998.) Pay
particular attention to
girls Girls
often participate in culturally accepted
forms of abuse: slapping, hitting, kicking
boys and verbal abuse. While the culture
generally accepts this behavior, and it is
displayed daily in soaps, sit coms,
reality television, etc., only sees it as
abusive if the boy does it and doesn't
take action to stop it, nevertheless it is
still abusive behavior and should not be
acceptable. Ask
the schools to get involved Find
out about your school's violence
prevention efforts. Encourage the teaching
of conflict-resolution skills and "peer
mediation" programs (where children
counsel other children). Suggest training
teachers in de-escalating and preventing
violence. Get
additional support and
information We
hope you have found this information
helpful. If you still want more
information, contact any of these
organizations listed or go to the library
or bookstore and check out these books for
parents. There are lots of people you can
talk with like doctors, teachers, members
of the clergy or other parents. What
do I do if a kid at school is picking on
me? A
bully usually feels badly about himself
and that's why he picks on people. I know
you want to stand up to him, but try hard
not to get mad or let him provoke you. If
you feel like you can handle it, try to
stand tall and say, "I'm not going to
fight with you." But remember, you don't
have to handle it on your own. I'm there
for you and if you need me to talk with
your teacher or principal, I
will. What
do I do if I see someone bring a gun to
school? If
you ever see a gun anywhere, never touch
it. It is important that you tell an
adult-like your teacher or us, right away.
That way, you'll stay safe and help make
sure no one else gets hurt. Talking
With Kids About Tough Issues Booklets Talk
With Your Kids About Violence
Talk
With Your Kids About Tough Issues (In
English) Talk
With Your Kids About Tough Issues (En
Español) Children
should be led into the right paths, not by
severity, but by persuasion. -
Terence |
